I enjoy the gift of unbiased vision when I am not in love. Now probably is one such time. Probably.
And so I have been planning to write a series on my series of infatuations for long. I suppose that time has come. After every single fling got over, I have learnt so much from it. And trust me, that number is such unhealthy high, it makes me sick sometimes. But may be as an aftermath, after my objects of desire have left me, I have become a stronger person, if not a better person.
Today I feel like writing about this one person, who I came across some years ago. I loved his crisp sense of English and elegant choice of words. Without knowing when, I got drawn towards him a lot, for this and a hoard of other reasons I choose not to mention. Before I realized, I was trapped in my own emotion. So late one night, when I had been pondering how to get rid of his thoughts, I neatly wrote down his name on a sheet of paper, lit a candle, burnt it in its flame, slowly so that I could see every letter catch fire, and then held the ash in my hands, opened my window and blew it off. And dusted my hands off it. Sometimes it's better to get rid of it when it is not worth it. Sometimes, it is very tempting to hang on, holding on to hope, waiting for a U-turn of fate. My act of arson, didn't yield fruit immediately though, I got over the guy over a period of time, but I did.
Today, meeting him sometime again, reminds of what a fool I was. This truth though, is self imposed. Had things worked out the opposite way, I could have been by his side, blushing. Sometimes, you end up becoming what you choose. Life, broken into small pieces, looks this logically understandable. Life, is understood in retrospect. One day, I hope I will look back at each of these flings and laugh at my foolishness, however hypocritical that might sound. Call me whatever, I do this in my self interest, it's an act of self defense.
I have always wanted to become this fiercely independent woman, with a mind of her own. But me being a cluttered bundle of confused emotion and my dire need for the company of my kind, hinders me from becoming so. But anyway, I wish I become one such, someday.. someday, soon.
And so I have been planning to write a series on my series of infatuations for long. I suppose that time has come. After every single fling got over, I have learnt so much from it. And trust me, that number is such unhealthy high, it makes me sick sometimes. But may be as an aftermath, after my objects of desire have left me, I have become a stronger person, if not a better person.
Today I feel like writing about this one person, who I came across some years ago. I loved his crisp sense of English and elegant choice of words. Without knowing when, I got drawn towards him a lot, for this and a hoard of other reasons I choose not to mention. Before I realized, I was trapped in my own emotion. So late one night, when I had been pondering how to get rid of his thoughts, I neatly wrote down his name on a sheet of paper, lit a candle, burnt it in its flame, slowly so that I could see every letter catch fire, and then held the ash in my hands, opened my window and blew it off. And dusted my hands off it. Sometimes it's better to get rid of it when it is not worth it. Sometimes, it is very tempting to hang on, holding on to hope, waiting for a U-turn of fate. My act of arson, didn't yield fruit immediately though, I got over the guy over a period of time, but I did.
Today, meeting him sometime again, reminds of what a fool I was. This truth though, is self imposed. Had things worked out the opposite way, I could have been by his side, blushing. Sometimes, you end up becoming what you choose. Life, broken into small pieces, looks this logically understandable. Life, is understood in retrospect. One day, I hope I will look back at each of these flings and laugh at my foolishness, however hypocritical that might sound. Call me whatever, I do this in my self interest, it's an act of self defense.
I have always wanted to become this fiercely independent woman, with a mind of her own. But me being a cluttered bundle of confused emotion and my dire need for the company of my kind, hinders me from becoming so. But anyway, I wish I become one such, someday.. someday, soon.
8 comments:
Its great to laugh at your past stupidities and find a logic to soothe yourself, isn't it? I do that too. :P
Another post that sounds like its right from your heart! Love it.. :)
A few know how to write what they feel. You are blessed.Feel lucky. :-)
What caught my mind was the thought you exclaimed about the way things could have been different.
Of course its us who choose.
Which also makes me remember the decisions I've made in my life and the thoughts of doing them otherwise.
:(
Haha. I love this post. Very much!
Keep on blogging girl. Just like what Tapas said, indeed you are so blessed.
for a tree to grow - it has to nutriate lot of fibers within it..
fibers from the roots to the tree top - though we could'nt relate that by looking plain..
but without that link - it could not stand tall..
the fiber of a beautiful tree - "HE.."
after a long time - a warming post..
I feel as if you lived my life :)
But then, most of the flings I have had, I have truly forgotten, and laugh at them. For me its not self imposed..none of it..
There isnt anyone of them I would have liked to hang on for more than the time I did.
Maybe few more years of living life and you will learn it too.
N!V
same pinch then ;)
Tapas..
i do!
Zave
do u hve the patience to undo all that is what matters..
elise
:)
arvind
thanks! a comic relief..!
Rajita..
may be i will..but smtyms lies are more fun.. :|
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